SELECTING A PRODUCT TO CONSUME

BEST NEW TITLE

Out of GREENWOOD, Ind.

Editors note: We agree this may be a little on the thin side, but we cut the part where his wife tragically divorces him and then tragically ends in a car wreck.

Little Kingdoms -- Two People Get Second Chance at Life in Each Others' Arms in New Novel

When he lands on the distant Greek island of Patmos, he is in an alcoholic haze. She is recovering from a rough breakup with Maxmillian, a former World Cup soccer player. Simon and Katrina begin to spend all of their time on the island together.


BEST NEW FAKE PERSONALITY TEST

Editors note: A seminal study on personality tests revealed that respondents without fail agreed with the tests of which results read, among other things, "quietly introspective," "often mistunderstood" and "would try harder if given a better reason." Additionally, E. Colleague's own mother changed her driving habits in order to be more clearly recognized as an A type personality. The rest of the time, she spent on the couch, quietly introspective, mistunderstood, waiting for a reason to try harder.

Out of WESTPORT, Conn.

A new study released today from The Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation of Chicago, Illinois, an internationally recognized organization dedicated to sense research, shows that what tempts taste buds might provide insight into someone's personality traits.

To test this theory that flavor selection can predict personality traits, Dr. Hirsch focused his attention on situations where adults would be selecting a product to consume based on their personal preferences, yet their outward appearance, body language or conversation might not reflect who they truly are to the casual observer or potential suitor. In this instance, that consumption vehicle was an alcoholic beverage, which might be ordered at a local bar or restaurant. The beverage of choice was the fastest-growing in the spirits category -- Flavored Vodka.

<strong>Editors note Post Script: for all those drinkers out there who think that vodka is somehow less of a twelve step drink, think Russia. Also, for the same drinkers who think vodka is somehow less detectable on the drinker, you smell like a dirty potato. Switch to flavor, stick to American browns.

Editors note post post script: we have omitted the rest of the release, preferring the sound of our own quiet clacking to the drivel of horoscope listings that followed the lead graf.