THE VERY FUTURE OF HUMANITY

BEST SERVICE YOU CAN'T HAVE

Out of VAN NUYS, Calif.

Eds. Note: We can't figure out why a luxury jet service that doesn't accept general reservations or memberships would run a press release. Our only plausible theory is that Trans-Exec is trying to generate an ever greater aura of exclusivity, but we read it as peevish foppishness.

Trans-Exec Air Service, the nation's most exclusive private jet charter company, has sent a shockwave throughout the industry by being the first to offer luxury spa treatments on-board their private jets.

The fortunate guests are pampered with services designed by Tran-Exec's on-staff estheticians, such as hydrating facials, regenerating eye treatments and lifts, oxygenating skin softeners, and even comforting neck and shoulder massages. aaaahhhh, can't you just smell it? don't you wanna palm some soap to leave casually in your studio apt.'s bathroom?

BEST NEW TITLE

Eds. Note: Finally, someone finally publishes the truth about young adult virgin sex, the key to our future.

Out of WASHINGTON

He explains that private masturbation and public nudity are the two pillars upon which all healthy attitudes towards sex must be based; faithful heterosexual monogamy is God's plan for sex but a minority who deviate from this such as homosexuals are nonetheless necessary for a whole society; and that virgin sex for young adults is the key to true romantic passion, equality between the sexes, and even to the very future of humanity.