ACHIEVE OUR ULTIMATE GOAL

BEST QUOTE THAT MAKES UP FOR LACK OF SUBSTANCE WITH CHUTZPAH

Editors note: The following is a good example of how to use impressive sounding words that essentially mean nothing to accomplish a homerun of a fowaard looking statement. Puffery, yes, but this example is nicely understated.
Out of LEVITTOWN, Pa.

FTS Wireless, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of FTS Group, Inc. (OTCBB:FLIP), today announced plans to launch a back to school marketing program in major print publications in its target markets.
FTS CEO Scott Gallagher commented: "The fourth quarter is one that holds a significant opportunity for FTS to achieve our ultimate goal of turning the company cash-flow positive and reaching the next level of our business cycle. We plan to fully exploit this opportunity."

BEST NEW SELL-OUT: CRUNCHY!

Editors note: The following begs the question that is beginning to bubble to the surface of the collective conscience: in an age of art expressed through ad, is there such a thing as a sell out? If no, editor will have to sadly commence a media blackout.
Out of ATLANTA

Church's Chicken(r), a division of AFC Enterprises, Inc. (Ticker:AFCE), has rolled out a colorful and retro-musical campaign aimed at its urban, multiethnic and multicultural customers.

Featured in its TV spots is '70s musical group Parliament, harmonizing a retake of its popular hit "We Got the Funk," now aptly renamed "We Got the 'Crunch," playing today as it did 30 years ago. Editors note: emphasis added because we can't figure the last verbal of this sentence.

Commercial Joint Service Lightweight Standoff Chemical Agent Detector

SUPPORT THIS COMPANY

Editors note: Spyware is evil. Enigma has free downloads.

Out of NEW YORK

Enigma Software Group, Inc., a diversified technology and services company that creates and develops Internet Privacy Protection and Computer Security Software & Applications for Internet users, today announced that after careful review it supports The U.S. House Energy and Commerce committee's subcommittee on Commerce, Trade and Consumer Protection passing of The SPY ACT (Securely Protect Yourself Against Cyber Trespass Act.)

BEST PRODUCT NAME

Out of BALTIMORE

Northrop Grumman Corporation (NYSE:NOC) has been selected by the U.S. Army to provide a chemical-agent threat-warning system officially known as the Commercial Joint Service Lightweight Standoff Chemical Agent Detector.


BEST COMPANY NAME

Out of DELRAY BEACH, Fla.
Hard to Treat Diseases Incorporated (HTTD) (Pink Sheets:HTDS)

Editors note: A statement from their CEO was released that addressed, among other concerns, "there have been some far-fetched conspiracy theories circulating on some of the chat room message boards regarding HTTD." Editors did not investigate further.

BEST WAY TO GET A JOURNALIST NOT TO WRITE ABOUT YOU

Out of BURBANK, Calif.

HEADLINE: Unwitting Piracy Puts Companies at Risk

Editors note: Press Releases are just the facts, Jacks. We don't usually put out friendly advice, preferring instead to enjoy your blunders and outrages, but nobody will pick you up if your headline does not identify your company. The reporters will make up their own scintillating headlines.

BONE FLAPS

BEST NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT

Out of PLAINSBORO, N.J.

Integra LifeSciences Holdings Corporation (Nasdaq:IART) today announced that it plans to market and sell the KraniOS(TM) Cranial Closure System, a complete set of implants and tools necessary to perform successful cranial flap closure.

The KraniOS(TM) Cranial Closure System, which was internally developed by Integra, consists of titanium plates, screws and instruments used to close cranial bone flaps. The system features low-profile titanium implants for reduced palpability and screws designed with a head that allows for stable insertion. The KraniOS(TM) screws also have the strength to minimize stripping while maintaining a low profile.

Editors note: Ick.

BEST MEANINGLESS RELEASE FULL OF SECRET EXCITEMENT

Out of RICHMOND, BC

Pyng Technologies Corp. (the "Company")(TSX-V: PYT)(OTC: PYNGF) announces that, subject to regulatory approval, a certain creditor has agreed to accept shares in the Company in partial satisfaction of the Company's indebtedness to them.

Editors note: The TSX Venture Exchange has not reviewed and does not accept responsibility for the adequacy or accuracy of this release. And, a certain creditor rhymes with a certain editor. !!!

TIDBITS ABOUT UNDERWEAR

Editor declares National Press Release Day to be October 10. Festivities TBA.


...That changes on August 11, 2004, with National Underwear Day. Here are some tidbits about underwear (go to www.freshpair.com for these and many other intriguing nuggets of information):
-- Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men;
-- 8 out of 10 women wear the wrong size bra;
-- 82% of women have tried on men's underwear;
-- 31% of men have tried on women's underwear.

BEST NEW TITLE

Out of PLYMOUTH, Mich. All your life you are conditioned to believe that your worth as a person is directly proportional to your material success. All your life you work hard for this purpose. All your life you believe it is the ultimate meaning of life. But one day, you wake up and realize you still feel empty despite your huge bank account, your fame, your power. There has got to be more to life than these. In Michael Kasenow's compelling new book, The Lost Generation, come face to face with society's misguided search for purpose and dignity in a world that sells transient desires, illusions, and addictions.

Note: it was the fame and power that woke Editor up to the banality of material life. Things are better now that we have stepped away from our shining light.


BEST COMPANY NAME

Out of LOS ANGELES
Yap International Inc. Acquires World Marketing Rights for Patented 'Double Packetization' VoIP Technology in $750 Billion Market


Note: We aren't sure how "world marketing rights" are acquired. If they are granted through the World Court, then we refuse to recognize them.

AIMED AT HELPING INDIVIDUALS

WE HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD COMPETE FOR PSYCHOTIC MARKET SHARE

Out of FRANKLIN, Tenn.

Psychiatric Solutions, Inc. ("PSI") (Nasdaq:PSYS) today announced it will release
its 2004 second quarter earnings on Wednesday, August 4, after the
stock market closes.

Upon further investigation, E. Colleague discovered that PSI's subsidiary, SunStone
"offers a no obligation analysis tailored to fit your needs" has a "strong track record of meeting or exceeding financial projections & minimizing risk" as well as "specialists in rural geriatric behavioral healthcare."


BEST NEW SELF ACTUALIZATION SCAM

Out of NEWPORT BEACH, Calif.

The Berman Investment Group LLC announced today the release of their free program aimed at helping individuals who are looking to earn $5,000, $10,000, $15,000 or more per month. The Free program is available at their website www.BruceBerman.net.
The free offer includes Berman Investment Group's founder and CEO Bruce A Berman's best selling book, "I GOT HERE YOU CAN TOO!" and his "Making Money" CD.

Editor continues to wait for a similar title that explores not how an author got rich, but how he got hooked on drugs, lost his family, got fired from his job, and now stands on the corner collecting petition signatures, all in 15 months' time. YOU CAN TOO!!!