YOU'RE JUST GIVING UP TOO EASILY

BEST QUESTIONABLE ADVICE

Editors note: Today's lucky selection advises daters to perhaps go a bit far. This release barely edged over a "best new title release" about someone moving but not for lack of substance: we have a lurking suspicion that we are not doing the blogland a favor by encouraging unhealthy persistence.

Out of BOSTON

HEADLINE: He's Just Not That Into You? Then You're Just Giving Up Too Easily;
Love Expert Tom Mcknight, of Relationship.com, Debunks the New Dating Trend of Walking Away From the One You Want Just Because You Think He May Not Want You

How many times have you heard happily married couples say, "We really didn't like each other that much at first, but after a while, we grew on each other!" Great relationships take time and effort. Giving up easily and simply murmuring the new mantra "I guess he/she just isn't that into me" is really a cop-out.

Eds. note some more: OK, really, if after reading this think that you might want to stop by your love interest's house at 3:30 this coming morning, write us and we will call the cops.

DIAMOND-BEARING DYKE

BEST NEW TITLE: SECRETS

Note from Editors Var.: this really stands on its own. No comment.

OUT OF SARANAC LAKE, N.Y.

At 11, Kristen moves in with John and Ellen Cameron after her parents, both successful scientists, die in a plane crash.
Two years pass and Kristen, who is tall, thin and very shy, settles into her new life. Then, Ebony Rose Jamison enters into the picture. Rose wins "Star Search." Ryan suggests Kristen pretend to be Rose. Ryan and Kristen keep the deception a secret.

An accountant by trade, [author] Laplante says she is a writer at heart who has dreamed of becoming a romance novelist since she was a young girl. She believes there is nothing more important than love and romance.

BEST HEADLINE
Out of VANCOUVER, British Columbia

No comment.

New Diamond-Bearing Dyke

BEST BOILERPLATE

Note from Editors: we found this to be so charmingly pretentious, so fucking faggy, even the fag editor hurled.

OUT OF SOUTH BURLINGTON, Vt.

Johnson & Perkinson is a litigation boutique located in South Burlington, Vermont dedicated to maximizing returns for shareholders and employees invested in company stock.

KEEP YOUR POPCORN TEXTURED

BEST NEW PRODUCT

Editors note: It was a close tie today between a new reality TV show that pits "living humans" against "predatory spirits" and the selection below. Product press releases generally contain far superior safe harbors than entertainment releases, and have the potential to improve the lives of our readers. Today's product screams out to the segment of our audience (and half of the forward looking staff) that answers to the call "Hey! All you out there living in your synthetic carpeted, press-board paneled shit holes watching TV with the volume up to drown out the sound of your neighbor's bathtub farts, this is for you!"

Out of WALL TOWNSHIP, NJ

Have Hurricanes Stained Your Textured or Tile Ceilings?; InstaGone Explains the First and Worst Things to Do

InstaGone Consumer Products is offering a free consumer guide entitled, "10 Ways to Keep Your Popcorn Textured and Tile Ceilings Looking New."

Also available: "Pete's Ceiling Wizard"