CRAVINGS FOR CARBOHYDRATES

THE WILLPOWER TO CONQUER YOUR OPPONENT

Out of SALT LAKE CITY

Beneficial Health Co-Sponsors Xtreme Cagefighting Championships

Editors note: Cagefighting involves fierce looking (yet alarmingly revealing)costumes, chain link cages, and kung-foo high kicks.

During these fights Beneficial Health Spokespersons and NHB fighting champions Jeremy Horn and Justin Ellison gave away T-Shirts promoting WillpowerRX.
WillpowerRX is a proprietary, weight-loss formula designed to help people lose weight, suppress their appetites and reduce their cravings for carbohydrates naturally(1).

Beneficial's President Harvey Carmichael said, "We strongly believe that the WillpowerRX formula can greatly help the 61% of overweight Americans lose weight naturally and safely when taken as directed."

Editors note: Although we haven't found the tree that naturally grows these pills that enable you to safely not eat, apparently someone else has. Maybe they are tubers, like peanuts.

EASE YOUR REACTIVE MIND, CREATE TO LIVE, LIVE TO CREATE

Out of HOLLYWOOD

Actors Urge New Writers at Hubbard Achievement Awards to Continue Creating Challenging New Stories, Character

Honorees at the ceremonies were reminded of their vital role in society and urged to provide fresh, new and challenging stories, despite the risky uncertainties of the literary and entertainment marketplace.

Editors note: self-actualization programs remain the darling hobbies of the free world.

NOW SMOKE-FREE IRELAND

TWO WAY TIE FOR BEST COMPANY NAME

SUN VALLEY, Calif. -- Flamemaster Corporation (Nasdaq:FAME)

vs.

REDLANDS, Calif. -- U.S. Crude International

Editors note: Flamemaster is rumored to be on the rise today after the board flexed the power of the flame thus ousting N.J. guv. Who's next?

BEST PRODUCT TO FAN YOUR FLAMES OF VANITY

Out of CYBER, Space

SayWear.com is the first online T-shirt sayings registration and e-commerce site. SayWear.com enables individuals to create, register and own a one-of-a-kind T-shirt bearing their own unique saying.
For the entrepreneurially-minded buyer, a forthcoming online marketplace feature will enable customers to earn money each time a SayWear item is sold bearing their saying.

Editors note: We got dibs on "I am a gay" and "Close the door"


BEST HEADLINE

Out of NEW YORK

Boomers Learn to Focus; Once Backpackers and Hitchhikers, Now Baby Boomers Focus on One Country USTOA Reports Tour Operators Designing Targeted Packages

Editors note: We can't make sense of the subhead either, but had to include it in today's report if only for this gem of a sentence found buired deep in the body of the release: Now smoke-free Ireland with a touch of luxury.

TEENAGERS NEED NEW PAYMENT OPTIONS

BEST HEADLINE
Out of DALLAS

Continental Energy Wins Summary Judgment Against China Wisdom

Editors note: We plan to enter a class action against Old Wives Tales next week.

BEST OLD/NEW PREDATORY PRACTICE

Out of NEW YORK

Editors note: Just because you can take advantage of someone doesn't mean you should. The ghosts you have in your closet will flesh themselves out and kick your selfish greedy ass in ways you can't even imagine.

Reports indicate today as much as 80 million people in the United States are un-bankable . . . meaning they cannot even open a bank account. Bankruptcies are at an all time high leaving the non-credit worthy with little options; immigrants -- legal and illegal -- are coming in on a regular basis who largely have to carry around cash, teenagers need new payment options and more shoppers.

Wally Najimi, the CEO of Platinum Financial Group, says, "This is a solution to a neglected market that has been past due and if the standard institution doesn't want this business we'll take it!"


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EXPECTED TO DECAY GRADUALLY

EDS VAR. MISS THE ROMANCE OF INTUITION AND GUT FEELINGS

Out of NEW YORK

Editors note: The following release presumably highlights the astuteness of PWC's analytical crunchers, but it makes the editors fear a loss of romanticism. This editorial melancholy may be enhanced by the recent feelings of guilt experienced by the editors when they decide to spend the train ride reading a magazine instead of looking for suspicious packages.

PwC Model Assesses Population, Relative Income Levels and Political Factors in Determining Medal Success

Almost fifteen years after the Berlin Wall was razed, many former Soviet bloc countries continue to win significantly more medals at the Olympic Games than would be predicted by the size of their economies, according to a new study by economists at PricewaterhouseCoopers.

The research also revealed that whether a country was formerly a member of the Soviet bloc was highly significant, due no doubt to the high political importance given to athletics in many of these countries. Evidence from the Sydney Olympics suggests that these effects were still significant around a decade after the dissolution of the Soviet bloc, although they might be expected to decay gradually over time in the future.

NEOLOGISTIC MIDDLE-MANAGEMENT-SPEAK

BEST REMINDER FROM THE ENTERPRISE TO YOU

Out of SEATTLE

Editors note: The earnings cycle has wound down, leaving us with pickings that continue to slim as the summer wears on. We thought this would be an appropriate time to remind you all that our activity continues to be enough of an interest to our bored managers that "solutions" are being pushed not only to the six figure enterprise, but now to "small and medium sized organizational spaces."

Seattle-based Internet and email monitoring software developer WebSpy Ltd (ASX: WSY) and Perth (Western Australia)-based Internet filtering solutions developer Virtual Web Ltd have entered into an OEM agreement to provide an enhanced web reporting and filtering solution.

"The Virtual Web solution affords businesses productivity, security and legal safeguards to ensure that the Internet is being used as a productive business resource."

Eds. Var. note further: We don't know what to do when we don't know what to do. Even though this is not an appropriate excuse for surfing, blogging, emailing, or playing games, we continue to use it. We have read the memos, we have witnessed the firings, yet we continue to enjoy life on the bleeding edge of Yahoo within our organizational space.