DUE TO A CHANGE IN PRESSURE

BEST NEW PRODUCT

Out of LONDON

GasBGon

Editors note: we wouldn't have featured the following excerpts today were it not a problem that continues to plague humanity.


"There are 2 types of cushion, the GasBGon and the GasMedic. They both have washable covers, removable foam muffler and replaceable activated carbon filter. The GasBGon is the everyday version of the cushion for people with average levels of flatulence. GasMedic is the clinical version, with a much more powerful carbon filter

The cushions look and feel like any conventional seat cushion. What makes
them special is that they include a sound muffling foam element and a cutting
edge carbon filter to remove the odor."


Editors note: Cursory research for similar products resulted in more than 500 press releases published in the past two years that pushed products directly relating to farts. The below gives a delicious twist on the PR format by providing the details of innovation.

Out of HONOLULU

For Honolulu inventor Brian Conant, preparing for a chemical warfare simulation while a member of the National Guard led to a product that would dispel a different kind of gas - one far less lethal than soldiers would face from bioterrorists, but much more prevalent.

Conant is lactose intolerant and prone to passing gas at the most inopportune times. While suited up for a chemical warfare simulation he broke wind and noticed that no one could tell because there was no odor.

Conant decided to develop a small, thin pad made of the material developed for the British Chemical Defense Establishment that could be worn inside underwear to protect wearers from unleashing embarrassing odors on an unsuspecting public. The Flatulence Deodorizer(TM) was born.

Notes to editors:

On an average day most humans expel a total of about 200-2000 ml of gas on 7-15 occasions. Each episode varies in quantity, chemical make-up, and audibility and is influenced by many factors.

When flying flatulence can sometimes be more of a problem due to the change in pressure, as a result of the altitude.Sietsma Solutions Limited


BEST NEW TITLE

Out of NEW YORK

Jack Vink's new book, Banished to the Ribbons of Concrete, is an autobiographical account of being betrayed by his true love and peering into the deep, dark and demonic abyss of his own subconscious; "it is the story of a man named Jack who died, but is not yet buried."

Editors note: We don't think Jack intended to write a vampire book, but it is much better when read as if the protagonist is a vampire.

SELECTING A PRODUCT TO CONSUME

BEST NEW TITLE

Out of GREENWOOD, Ind.

Editors note: We agree this may be a little on the thin side, but we cut the part where his wife tragically divorces him and then tragically ends in a car wreck.

Little Kingdoms -- Two People Get Second Chance at Life in Each Others' Arms in New Novel

When he lands on the distant Greek island of Patmos, he is in an alcoholic haze. She is recovering from a rough breakup with Maxmillian, a former World Cup soccer player. Simon and Katrina begin to spend all of their time on the island together.


BEST NEW FAKE PERSONALITY TEST

Editors note: A seminal study on personality tests revealed that respondents without fail agreed with the tests of which results read, among other things, "quietly introspective," "often mistunderstood" and "would try harder if given a better reason." Additionally, E. Colleague's own mother changed her driving habits in order to be more clearly recognized as an A type personality. The rest of the time, she spent on the couch, quietly introspective, mistunderstood, waiting for a reason to try harder.

Out of WESTPORT, Conn.

A new study released today from The Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation of Chicago, Illinois, an internationally recognized organization dedicated to sense research, shows that what tempts taste buds might provide insight into someone's personality traits.

To test this theory that flavor selection can predict personality traits, Dr. Hirsch focused his attention on situations where adults would be selecting a product to consume based on their personal preferences, yet their outward appearance, body language or conversation might not reflect who they truly are to the casual observer or potential suitor. In this instance, that consumption vehicle was an alcoholic beverage, which might be ordered at a local bar or restaurant. The beverage of choice was the fastest-growing in the spirits category -- Flavored Vodka.

<strong>Editors note Post Script: for all those drinkers out there who think that vodka is somehow less of a twelve step drink, think Russia. Also, for the same drinkers who think vodka is somehow less detectable on the drinker, you smell like a dirty potato. Switch to flavor, stick to American browns.

Editors note post post script: we have omitted the rest of the release, preferring the sound of our own quiet clacking to the drivel of horoscope listings that followed the lead graf.

IMMERSE YOUR BIOLOGICAL SYSTEM

BEST NEW TITLES IN A SHOWDOWN FOR FIRST

Editors note: It seems strongly coincidental that a book about wounded sailors and college bed buddies are released on the same day. This may be a prime example of the fruitfullness of adware. Readers who liked the image of struggling sailors also enjoyed...
Out of CHARLESTON, S.C., In Paulette M. Withington's new novel, A Jewel for the Keeping, the Abbott family helps wounded sailors, and Josiah's daughter must hold firm to her religious convictions when one of the men falls in love with her. Later, the weakened crew testifies to their encounters with the Blue Lady.

Out of EAST HARTFORD, Conn.

Best friends Barnaby Moss and Arnie Kotkin grew up together in Lawton, N.Y., went to college together and when they realize they are both gay, end up in bed together.



BEST NEW "TREND"

Editors note: Ameliorating means to make better, we looked it up. Another way of saying, indeed, to comfort and relax.

Out of BOYNTON BEACH, Fla., -- Jacobson Resonance Enterprises, Inc., (OTCBB:JRSE) announced today that research trending at major universities has provided strong support for its portfolio of intellectual properties based in anti-aging.

The method and apparatus for ameliorating the aging process, and the effects of aging, and maintaining the integrity of health includes immersing biological systems in alternating and steady physiologic magnetic fields, that is, magnetic fields that occur naturally in all living systems. The procedure is totally non-invasive, painless and, indeed, comforting and relaxing.

PROMISED TO HAVE AN ABUNDANT SUPPLY

Out of SAN FRANCISCO

Editors note: To the extent that statements in below passage are not strictly historical, including statements as to strategy, outlook, objectives, future milestones, plans, intentions, goals, future financial conditions, future collaboration agreements, the success of emotional development, such statements are forward-looking, and are made pursuant to the safe harbor provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995.

On August 1, a man entered the green grocer's at the corner of Valencia and 24th street and requested one pint of fresh orange juice. The proprietor, having run out of oranges to squeeze, apologized for his lack of fresh juice and promised to have an abundant supply by the morning of August 2. The man left disappointed and continued on his way downtown to his office where he was spending an incremental increase every day looking at the Bank of America building. Or, as he came to think of it, the place that he will see blow up.

PROMISED TO HAVE AN ABUNDANT SUPPLY

Out of SAN FRANCISCO

Editors note: To the extent that statements in below passage are not strictly historical, including statements as to strategy, outlook, objectives, future milestones, plans, intentions, goals, future financial conditions, future collaboration agreements, the success of emotional development, such statements are forward-looking, and are made pursuant to the safe harbor provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995.

On August 1, a man entered the green grocer's at the corner of Valencia and 24th street and requested one pint of fresh orange juice. The proprietor, having run out of oranges to squeeze, apologized for his lack of fresh juice and promised to have an abundant supply by the morning of August 2. The man left disappointed and continued on his way downtown to his office where he was spending an incremental increase every day looking at the Bank of America building. Or, as he came to think of it, the place that he will see blow up.

WHO IS NOT A DOCTOR AND WHOSE CLINIC WAS NOT LICENSED

BEST HEADLINE EVER

Editors note: not a trace of snark evident. Best parts highlighted below, and, of course, contact for the release is the subject of the release.

Out of GRANTS PASS, Ore.

"No Child Left Behind Gains a New Friend"

Extreme times call for changing your approach says Winfield. We must work "out-of-the-box" and create new methods of financial support for our kids.

His search for his first love, a 19-year old flamenco dancer, who he photographed in 1962, will lead him to Spain. After forty years, he is trying to find her to photograph her again. "No child left behind" is not only the passion of the President and his wife, but also for their new friend, Winfield Scott Frazeur IV who is committed to help kids that struggle with the challenges of learning.
Winfield can be reached through his Web site at: http://www.biographyproject.com or by emailing him at sfrazeur@globalphotos.com or by calling him at 541.476.0942.



OH MY GOD

Editors note: Oh our God.

Out of SAN FRANCISCO

Who: Plaintiff rights law firm Hersh & Hersh begins a multi-million dollar trial on Monday morning, August 2, 2004 in San Francisco Superior Court. Hersh & Hersh is representing Jane Doe (mother) and John Doe (son) against defendants Dr. Steven Lawrence Katz, medical director of Fertility Medical Associates, and Imam El Danasouri, Ph.D. who operated California Reproductive Laboratories.
What: The case involves an in vitro fertilization procedure, which took place in June 2000 at Fertility Medical Associates located at 1700 California Street in San Francisco. Jane Doe chose to have a child through the use of anonymous sperm and egg donors who would relinquish any claims to parental rights so that she could raise the child alone. During the same period that the embryos were to be implanted in Jane Doe, a married couple had also scheduled an IVF procedure at the same clinic with embryos created from the sperm of the husband and an anonymous donor egg. Dr. Katz and El Danasouri, who is not a medical doctor and whose clinic was not licensed as a tissue bank at the time of this procedure, erroneously implanted Jane Doe with the couple's embryos.
Why: Dr. Katz and El Danasouri realized they had erroneously implanted the couples' embryos and not her own into Jane Doe minutes after the procedure was completed. At that time they had the opportunity to disclose their mistake. However they concealed it for more than a year and a half -- through Jane Doe's pregnancy, birth and infancy of her son -- until the California Medical Board began to investigate in late 2001 as a result of a call received by a whistle blower. Dr. Katz and El Danasouri were forced to confess the embryo mix-up and cover-up to the mother as well as the couple in late December -- 18 months after the mistake had been made.
Subsequent to "the confession" Dr. Katz also convinced Jane Doe to make contact with the couple so they could meet her son. Following the meeting the couple served Jane Doe with a lawsuit in Santa Clara County family court demanding full custody of John Doe. So far the court has granted overnight visitation rights to the couple including holidays but the couple still seeks full custody.
When: Hersh & Hersh initially filed a complaint against Dr. Katz, El Danasouri, Fertility Medical Associates and California Reproductive Laboratories on behalf of Jane Doe on in San Francisco Superior Court, July 31, 2002. The case will be assigned to trial on Monday, August 2 at 9:30am by the presiding judge of San Francisco Superior Court. Nancy Hersh is representing plaintiffs Jane and John Doe who are seeking compensation arising out of claims of medical malpractice, fraud, breach of contract, deceptive business practices and intentional infliction of emotional distress.
For press interviews with Hersh& Hersh attorneys and plaintiff contact:

Shelly Gordon
650-856-1607
sgordon@g2comm.com
SOURCE: Hersh amp; Hersh