BLUE, MOSTLY BLUE, BROWN, OR MOSTLY BROWN

CREEPIEST NEW SUITE OF PRODUCTS

OUT OF SARASOTA, Fla.

HEADLINE: DNAPrint Expands Forensic Service Offerings with Mitochondrial DNA Testing and Y-Chromosome Testing

Eds. Var. Note: We aren't actually totally creeped out by the fact that these tests exist, but that they are marketed under the catchy names is a little disconcerting. This release prompted the predictable discussion about why, in an age of BioGeographical(tm) Forensic Reports, we still suffer hang-overs, pre-menstrual bloating, and hair implants.

The DNAWitness(tm) product suite now includes:

EuroWitness(tm) 1.0 -- Tests crime scene DNA to determine more specific geographic origins if the test sample ancestry is 50 percent or more Indo-European.

Retinome(tm) -- A predictive test for individual eye color from DNA. Retinome predicts eye cooler if the sample is 50 percent or greater European ancestry as to whether eye color is blue, mostly blue, brown or mostly brown.

DNAWitness-Y -- A new Y-chromosome test that determines the direct paternal ancestral lineage from the male sex chromosome. DNAWitness-Y can be used as an identification tool in cases where a mixture of male and female samples exists.

DNAWitness-Mito -- A new mitochondrial DNA test that examines ancestral lineages along the maternal line. DNAWitness-Mito can be used as an identification tool when other DNA testing fails to yield results or the DNA sample is too deteriorated.

Back from Correction

Editors Var. were forced into exile by a provision in the Sarbanes-Oxley bill that stated a mattress could not be used as a tax shelter. The Twinkie/Camel defense, for those who may find themselves in the same position, does not work in this instance. While we were away, we learned decorative leather craft and were saved. Which brings us to today's headline.

Out of AZUSA, Calif.

HEADLINE: New Acme 16 Port KVM Switch in Console Drawer Mounts Keyboard and 17" Monitor on Independent Rails in 1U High Space

We were drawn to this tidbit for the dateline (as well as the Independent Rails, to be honest). It brought to mind a revival in 1906 on Azusa Street in Los Angeles (of which Azusa, Calif. is a dreadful burb of) when the gift of the Holy Ghost was proffered. Crutches and canes scattered with the truth and proof of the miracle of healing as tongues spoke and ears interpreted. With thus, the Pentecostal Movement was fully inflamed to spread across the land.

How do we know this? We know things. The present does not determine the future, the future determines the present. aiekialkakoaLOOOADKAIDL!!!FKDNDKSLZA brullbiolnsg