QUIET KILLER

BEST NEW TITLE

Out of SANTA MONICA, Calif.

Eds. Note: this pocket guide will come in handy from situations ranging from sitting on a subway that just blew up to being gassed in your building.

Responding to a heightened public concern about the threat of terrorism, the RAND Corporation announced today it is making available two pocket guides designed to arm individuals with the knowledge to identify and survive various types of unconventional terrorist attacks. The guides are based on strategies RAND first outlined in a report last year and include a single-sheet, foldable reference card and a downloadable personal digital assistant (PDA) program. The guides and the RAND report are available for free at RAND's Web site: http://www.rand.org/research_areas/terrorism/.

LIVE SURGERY UPDATE

OR-Live.com Presents a Surgical Procedure to Prevent the "Quiet Killer" -- A Rupture of the Abdominal Aorta

THE VERY FUTURE OF HUMANITY

BEST SERVICE YOU CAN'T HAVE

Out of VAN NUYS, Calif.

Eds. Note: We can't figure out why a luxury jet service that doesn't accept general reservations or memberships would run a press release. Our only plausible theory is that Trans-Exec is trying to generate an ever greater aura of exclusivity, but we read it as peevish foppishness.

Trans-Exec Air Service, the nation's most exclusive private jet charter company, has sent a shockwave throughout the industry by being the first to offer luxury spa treatments on-board their private jets.

The fortunate guests are pampered with services designed by Tran-Exec's on-staff estheticians, such as hydrating facials, regenerating eye treatments and lifts, oxygenating skin softeners, and even comforting neck and shoulder massages. aaaahhhh, can't you just smell it? don't you wanna palm some soap to leave casually in your studio apt.'s bathroom?

BEST NEW TITLE

Eds. Note: Finally, someone finally publishes the truth about young adult virgin sex, the key to our future.

Out of WASHINGTON

He explains that private masturbation and public nudity are the two pillars upon which all healthy attitudes towards sex must be based; faithful heterosexual monogamy is God's plan for sex but a minority who deviate from this such as homosexuals are nonetheless necessary for a whole society; and that virgin sex for young adults is the key to true romantic passion, equality between the sexes, and even to the very future of humanity.

CAPABLE OF STOPPING MANY BULLETS

BEST NEW PRODUCT

Out of LAS VEGAS!

Eds. Note: The following revolutionary product has the potential of turning the suburban slums of the future (with their seemingly prerequisite pastel stucco facades) into permanent neighborhoods of dread, while at the same time offering a safe, cheap and durable decorative coating for strip malls.

Structures USA (OTC: STUS) has developed a stucco coating so tough it can resist hurricane-force winds and flying debris. Stuccomax, as it is called, has a compressive strength of 8000 psi (more than double that of typical concrete), and is capable of stopping many bullets and/or shotgun blasts. Designed as a single-coat stucco finish for exteriors of buildings, Stuccomax is so hard it is almost impossible to drive a nail into it and it does not shrink or crack like conventional stucco.